I have long believed that second chances rarely matter because people never change; I also believe giving a failed opportunity in life a second chance will not prove to have a different outcome a second time. Maybe I chalk it up to fate. Maybe I’m just a pessimist. Maybe I like to take the most efficient route and trying something over and over just seems like a waste of time. Then again maybe some call that laziness- those people probably says persistence pays off (eventually).
Regardless, I’ve come to learn that people CAN change ONLY when something drives them to that point. That driving force is usually some catastrophic event…one of those events that rock you to the core, causes one to stand up and recognize a different meaning to life. Enter me.
I’ve talked about “Days that Change Your Life” and these are definitely events that rocked me to my core, moments that left me undeniably different. I can think of another handful of situations and people that have left their life changing mark on my life. At some point, I’ll get around to vocalizing the lasting effects each of these life moments has had on me. For this present moment in time, though, I’m just identifying the struggle it’s self.
For the most part I remain relatively silent about changes in my life and the struggle I endure to get through to the glorious light at the end. Sometimes I think I have to for my own protection and sanity. Sometimes the silence is merely due to the lack of logical understanding for human beings other than me. It’s an internal struggle sometimes between head and heart and sometimes just an internal struggle of sheer will power and determination. One thing I’ve learned about me, though, is once my mind’s been made up there is no going back. I’ll charge forward, full force, full heart, soul, mind, body, with every single ounce of passion I can squeeze from the depths of my being…..
Back at the start of this year I established some goals, some of them definitely with the potential to be life changing. I was ready for there to be a new me. I began forging new friendships, working on creating an adequate work/life balance, working towards letting go of the past, and most importantly defining myself. This is where it gets hard- vocalizing.
I have had the pleasure of being able to reconnect with a few college friends and to really begin making some new friends (which is significantly harder in the working world than in my playful days of college). I don’t think I had the expectation at the start of this adventure that defining myself would go hand-in-hand with making friends or that many of these goals would align and intertwine so perfectly, but they have, A LOT. I will tell you I’ve struggled with a few of my “friends” to make the friendships work- in the end only to realize they were never the person they initially portrayed themselves to be. On many occasions, I’ve felt betrayed, disappointed, disgusted, and been left to defend myself to mutual friends and to countless others that should have never been made privy to any situation or decisions I made regarding my personal relationships. Dealing with these situations forced me to define what my expectations were for my friends- (at the foundation) trustworthiness and loyalty. And in defining what expectations I had for my friends it made it relatively easy for me to decide what I was willing to give my friends in return- trust, loyalty, non-judgmental acceptance with an appropriate level of flexibility and forgiveness but not giving up self respect.
As I’ve spent a large majority of the last couple of weeks defending myself, my integrity, my work ethic, and my character, it got me to thinking about all of these goals I’d set for myself. What kind of progress was I making? Is my change evident- to me, to others? As I revisited each one, thought about the intent behind each one- I realized without even noticing slowly over the course of this year I’ve made some outstanding progress toward a new me. It wasn’t effortless and large portions of this year my heart and soul has felt at significant unrest. But I’m still surprisingly content knowing that I’m finding myself and hard work pays off. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
There’s a new E in town. People had better start getting used to it. Grin.
Em, I like you. Just the way you are...and especially what I can tell you're becoming. You, the real you. The one that's always been deep down inside of there peeking out at me through those pretty eyes. You have always reminded me of a scene in the movie "Hook" when Peter Pan goes to the isle of Lost Boys but doesn't really know who he himself is...yet. A tiny little boy walks up to him, pulls back the skin on his face so the wrinkles are all gone, looks deep into his eyes and says, "Oh, there you are Peter." Well I say, "Oh, there you are Emily." :-) I've always seen what's inside of there...just been waiting you to let her out.
ReplyDeletelife experiences that rock our world are hard for me to deal with. i'm a denier. i don't like to think too hard about things sometimes because i'm afraid of what the answer might be. sometimes i float along aimlessly hoping the right answer will magically just appear. it never does. the biggest decisions, the ones that impact us the most have to be earned. gotta put in the time and self-analysis to make the decision seem worthwhile. only then does the outcome feel right. glad you've found your way! :) i'm making the blogging rounds over the next few days! woefully behind! have a great weekend!
ReplyDelete@GranniB Thank you for such a beautiful and special comment. I know for a few years I really kind of floundered around trying to figure out this crazy thing called life. I made some choices that shaped me and shaped my future but by any means didn't define me. If I had those few years to do over again I might makes some different choices. But here I am- I'm finally finding my way, finding myself.
ReplyDeleteYour comment brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for making me feel wonderful and special.
I like what I see too. :)
@Miss Chevious I agree- these rock our world experiences are really difficult to deal with. For years I've been a runner, and I don't mean a runner as in I run marathons. When things get tough I get the hell out. I soon realized that those situations tended to catch up with me. It might be a month or just a few weeks but they always found me and I always ended up dealing with them eventually. I'm now learning to take the "grab life by the horns" approach. It isn't easy and leaves for some rather uncomfortable (but brief) moments. Learning about me through self analysis has definitely made it easier, however.
I'm woefully behind too- I definitely need to spend my fair share of time making my rounds.
Hope you have a great week. :) I hope you take some time for you, spending some time getting to know you, maybe over a glass of wine.
E,it seems we spend our life peeling back layers to reveal ourselves - to discover who we are. I also believe we are in a constant state of "becoming". It sounds as though you are becoming the woman you were meant to be.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful journey - and you don't need to be patient - just joyful - cause the process never ends. I love what you said about "all will unfold". I have infinite faith - whether it feels like it or not at the time - that the unverse if unfolding as it should. Some day you will look back on your life and see it as a puzzle with all the pieces fittng perfectly together -- even though at the time, it may have seemed hopeless or erroneous. Keep going on your journey of self discovery ... and enjoy!